Random accumulated wisdom of years spent traversing the country

1. Check in early. Stay hydrated. Bring hand sanitizer.

2. Consolidate credit card and hotel points.

3. Don't fly an airline where your checked bags might cost more than your seat.

4. No first class selfies ..no

5. Only use Frequent Flyer miles for upgrades or international flights. Using 60,000 miles to get from Philly to Milwaukee is like throwing a bag of kittens in a river.

6. If they have Wi-Fi, don't use it. You'll end up doing exactly what you do at your desk. ..Watch a movie. Read a book. Tune out and shut off.

7. If you have checked baggage, when you land, stop at a bar and have a drink on your way to baggage claim ..It'll be there

8. If the flight is less than two hours and you have to relieve your bowels, then you are an idiot. ..What are you 12?

9. If you get stuck with a middle seat, take the next flight.

10. If you are afraid of flying, listen to Mary J Blige on takeoff. ..You'll be fine; no one is destined to die like that.

11. If you bring a favorite pillow from home, and sit next to me, I'm assuming you were in an episode of "Teen Mom"

12. Pre-gaming with Tequila sounds cool, but the sodium is a killer at high altitude.

13. However, definitely​ take advantage of the #1 rule of air travel: no matter what time it is, it's always acceptable to drink.

14. If there is a male steward, always keep your seat belt buckled. You don't want him with his hands in your lap when you are passed out before landing.

15. I already have enough friends, don't f**king talk to me. ..And I don't want your business card either. ..And don't request me on LinkedIn

16. Unless it's to an island, the word "connection" should not appear on your itinerary.

20. Have the stewardess fill up the water glass with wine too, or just ask her for two glasses. ..You'll be doing her a favor

21. Never drive yourself to the airport when your flight is over two hours. Odds are, you'll be getting off the return flight smashed.

22. When flying internationally, befriend one of the stewards ..They always​ know the best clubs and how to get weed.

23. When you squeeze by me, don't give me "the ass" or "the crouch"; just don't get up ..If you must, allow me time to move into the aisle to make way for you.

24. Louis Vuitton in Economy class ..No matter how you look at it, your priorities are f**ked up.

25. The easiest way to figure out if a girl is marriage material is if she brings a hair dryer in her suitcase. ..You know she's never seen the inside of a Hyatt Regency

26. Don't ever facebook check-in at a lounge. ..Any schmuck can get lounge access now a days

27. Sorry if it got propellers, it doesn't count as a private plane.

28. Spare change should never be the reason for holding up the security line.

29. The exit row is first class for poor people.

30. No one knows this, but if you wear dark, pleated, and cuffed slacks with a golf shirt, you drink for free. (There can be no other explanation for this airport fashion phenomenon.)

31.Don't ask me to switch seats with you, unless you are offering me a better seat